I faked an abortion last night.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
