i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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