I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
