i already hear my dad disowning me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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