my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
