The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
