oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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