I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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