if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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