woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
