so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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