my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
