his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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