Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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