yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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