All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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