why do cheetos always look like penises
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
