I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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