phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Panties = found
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