I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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