it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
