i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
