We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
