You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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