u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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