The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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