Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
