So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
