I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
