What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
