hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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