i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
