bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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