She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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