We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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