I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
