I accidentally had phone sex last night
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
