Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
