i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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