My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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