theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Its about making memories worth repressing
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
