Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
