She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
