Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
