We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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