A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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