I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
