call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
