We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
