I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
